Talkin' bout Sex Baby!

Yeah, hoping for that…

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In my latest book, Other Worlds, my Gothic Romantasy, I lowered the heat level a notch. Let’s just say not everyone was thrilled. For all those readers who, in my first dark romance three years ago, gasped and said, “I can’t believe you said that, and he did what?” I now have a new group who feels just the opposite. They're not exactly fans of symbolism or the “closed cave” approach to sex scenes. So now, I’m left wondering: do I need a pen name for these Gothic Romantasy books, should I amp up the heat level, or just slap on a warning: If the absence of high-heat sex scenes might be unsettling, this one’s not for you. Ha! In all seriousness, though, I think there’s a time to pull readers out of a sex scene, but ideally, it’s not in the middle of it.

That said, I didn’t want to brush off the feedback entirely. Since I’m in the middle of editing three books for 2025, I decided it was worth going back to scrutinize my approach to these scenes—asking myself what I’m doing, how I’m doing it, and most importantly, why?

In this self-reflection, I read what others have said on the subject, and it struck me that crafting a good sex scene isn’t so different from, well, having good sex and that’s the premise of this article, so let’s go, what should we consider?

Foreplay. Like anything, it’s a better experience with a bit of buildup. Let your characters anticipate, flirt, undress each other slowly, tease, and maybe even laugh together. Banter works wonders here.

Involve the senses. Touch, smell, taste—bring it all in, or maybe take one sense away and highlight the others. Showing instead of telling helps readers feel like they’re right there.

Dialogue matters. Sounds like moans, groans, whispers, and even laughter can add depth. Stay true to your character’s voice is the first step. Would they say “penis,” or would they choose a different word? Consider the tone as well: is the scene playful or serious? Choose language that reflects both the character’s personality and the overall style of your story.

Sex should lead somewhere. Whether it’s leading to greater intimacy, a meaningful connection, or even a simple dinner out—ensure the scene serves a purpose beyond just "here's some sex."

Be fearless and give it your all. Are you worried about what your relatives might think, or how readers will react? That’s natural. But remember, your relatives will always find something to gossip about, and in my experience, readers can feel disappointed when I hold back. They’re looking for the full experience—they’ve spent $4.99 and have been looking forward to it—so don’t disappoint them when it’s time to deliver the goods.

Conflict adds depth. Love is great, but adding tension, cultural clashes, or environmental challenges can really spice things up. These dynamics keep characters feeling multi-dimensional and interesting. When everything is lovey-dovey, it can become—dare I say—boring. Nothing makes intimacy more enticing than conflict, which is why the "Enemies to Lovers" trope is so popular

Keep it physically possible. This one’s important: avoid writing scenes that would send your characters to the ER—unless, of course, you’re aiming for humor. A five-minute recovery time between rounds? She’s completely satisfied just by looking at him? Unless you’re writing fantasy, there should be a hint of realism in your story and your sex scenes should be somewhat realistic. How realistic you want to make them could be a personal opinion. I’m here to entertain and fulfill fantasies for readers. Unless there is a reason to do otherwise, sexual scenes are usually gratifying for my characters. Readers experience everyday struggles, read my books for a reason and they are looking for some relief. A little teaching goes a long way. I pick my battles carefully, aiming to make each romantic experience enjoyable. This journey, along with the characters' transformation, is at the heart and soul of the romance story.

Focus on emotions over anatomy. The mind’s where sexual feelings begin. It’s easy to slip into focusing on parts, but it’s the emotions of your characters that make a scene resonate. Overly anatomical scenes risk giving readers the “ick” factor.

Write the scene you’d want if you were the character. And hey, if you’re feeling adventurous, give it a try. Then rewrite it to give it more realism.

Here’s a tip I came across that resonates with me: “Sex scenes are like fight scenes: they need a reason to happen, and every action leads to a reaction. Your characters should be different emotionally by the time they’re out of bed.” — Anne Marsh, author.

In my reading and research, I found a few things that I found useful and wanted to share:

The Fiction Writer’s Sexuality Guide: Sex—It’s More Than a Scene, by J., Dr. This isn’t a “Sex Scenes for Dummies” guide—if that’s what you’re after, look elsewhere! What this book offers is a philosophy on crafting sex scenes with a positive, inclusive, and thoughtful approach, plus plenty of additional writing insights. It’s incredibly in-depth and goes beyond what I expected, especially for a KU offering. The author also provides worksheets accessible through her website, making it a truly thorough and valuable resource.

How to Write a Sex Scene, Writing with Jenna Moreci, You Tube, Jenna Moreci. What can I say, I love this woman. She makes me laugh and does a great job of explaining all the different ways a sex scene can be written and what should be included.

How to Write a Sex Scene That Will Make Readers Hot, You Tube Video, Michael La Ronn. A good intro and what I liked about this one, it wasn’t geared specifically to romance writers, yet he told writers to read romance writers.

Read an old post that connects with this one. Some of us Write Dark, about writing dark romance.

Share your experience with writing sex scenes! Do you love writing them, or do you leave them for last? Has your approach evolved from your first book to your latest? Or anything else you'd like to share—I'd love to hear it.

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